5th Report of Political Discourse
Last night I watched Joe Biden's state of the union address and saw our nations highest officials all take their masks off, like men casting off chains of servility and rising up with freedom and dignity.
I walk to Saint Honoré bakery and enter without a mask, newly emboldened by our President. 10 or so patrons are sitting in the cafe, chattering away without masks. Behind the counter a clerk comes over and offers me a mask.
"Thank you," I say, and put the mask in my pocket.
"You need to wear a mask sir," she says.
I look again at the people talking away in the seating area, just a few feet away. "Why don't they have to wear a mask?" I ask.
"It's the rules. You have to wear a mask in line."
Something about her tone of voice, peevish and impersonal, makes me think I will get nowhere with her. Plus I feel bad for the employees who have to do whatever their boss tells them.
"Ok, well, I'll go somewhere else. Thank you," I say, and head outside, into the drizzle.
A couple blocks down Division I come to Wallflower Coffee. Walking inside I pass customers with no masks, and walk up to the clerk, who is wearing a homemade cotton face mask, which looks somewhat soiled, like an apron dusted with coffee grounds. As is the custom these days, he right away offers me a mask from a box.
"Thank you, but I already have one," I say.
He looks at me blankly a few seconds, blinking.
"I'd like a large cup of coffee and a croissant," I say.
"We have a mask policy here. You need to wear a mask."
Interestingly, the businesses all put the emphasis on their own authority, not Oregons mandate enacted under a state of emergency, which makes sense I guess, since the dissemination of the order is them.
I look at the customers again, counting 5 people sitting in the small seating area, none wearing a mask, and say, "Why don't they have to wear a mask?"
"I'm actually the owner of this shop, and this rule is for all our safety and is the respectful thing to do," he says.
Even though he is extremely gentle and modest, I’m somehow not surprised he’s the owner. Maybe it’s because the owners and operators of businesses are now expected to act just this way? I gesture to the customers with my left arm, "Are you stupid? Why don't they need to wear masks?"
He stiffens up, and stands a little straighter, literally developing backbone. In a very gentle but clear voice he says, "I'm not stupid."
"But why don't they need to wear masks?" I say, gesturing to the customers again.
"They are socially distancing," he says.
"You must be stupid," I say, adding, "You actually seem like a smart guy, but for some reason you are stupid. You've become a hypochondriac."
"Look, let me give you a coffee, on me."
I’m taken aback. "What? Why would you do that?" I say, reflexively pulling out my wallet.
"Maybe I'm a pushover, I don't know..."
I drop a five dollar bill in the tip jar and say, "Can I get a croissant too?"
"I don't want your money, and no, you can't have a croissant."
"Oh, ok," I say, and take the fiver out of the tip jar and replace it with three ones.
He hands me the cup of coffee and says, "Look, the reason you need to wear a mask is..."
I cut him off, "You should google 'viral respirator'. It looks like something from World War One. What you are wearing is totally useless."
"No, that's not true."
"Then why doesn't he need to wear one?" I say, pointing to a customer working on his laptop. He's squirming in his seat, looking a little guilty, and I can see he's trying very hard not to look at me.
The owner sighs like a frustrated parent who must repeat the rules over and over, "He's socially distanced."
"I swear, you are dumb as shit. We are all breathing the same air, huge amounts of air are going through are lungs, filling up the whole space, blowing in and out through the masks. Why are you even talking to me, aren't you scared of getting sick?"
"I don't want to talk to you. I'd really prefer if you just left."
"Oh, ok. I thought you wanted to talk."
I leave and walk home. I have no doubt these businesses will continue to demand their customers wear masks while waiting in line, creating a sort of zombie policy based on an abundance of stupidity.